The Oscah Blog, Part IV

(Click here, here, and here to read parts 1-3 of the Oscah blog, or just scroll down to the bottom and read your way up! If you have 300 years.)

1031: Oooh, Keith Urban! Earlier Ellen created this special “Oscar holder” she invented. I wonder if she also invented a special Oscar for Keith that has a screw-off top. Hehe. Because, like, he is an alcoholic.

1033: Ellen claims to have a crush on George Clooney. This means supporting actress! But what’s with lesbians pretending to have crushes on handsome movie stars?

1035: Predictably, Jennifer Hudson wins. I’m too glad she took off that ridiculous bolero to say anything else. Do you think she’ll cry, and thank God? (snicker)

(mmm, snickers….Dang, I am on Day 5 of the No Candy plan, which is more impressive than you might think considering it’s me.)

1052: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

1101: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

1110: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

1115: Who would have thought that the interpretive dance troupe’s shadow puppets would have been the best thing about this year’s Oscars? We haven’t even had any inappropriately outrageous acceptance speeches. You know you’re in trouble when you miss Roberto Begnini.

1120: Jennifer Hudson borrows Patricia Fields’ Jessica Rabbit gown for a musical number. I love her figure…but the dress doesn’t do much for it. And her boobs are about to come right out of it.

1123: Oooooooooh, burn! If I recall correctly, Beyonce sang the song “Listen” as a solo in the movie. Now it’s a duet with Hudson? Or rather, a belt-off. They’re both kind of over-singing it, kind of like the vocal version of the walk-off from “Zoolander”. If Beyonce pulls her thong out, that would be awesome.

1129: Melissa Etheridge's tuxedo is not good either. I love a sharp pantsuit on a woman, but dang. You’re rich enough to have it tailored, right Meliss?

1129: Forget I said that, I loooveee youuuuuu! I’m still working up the courage to karaoke “I’m the Only one”! I’ve got to be better than the chick I heard at McGarvey’s a couple weeks ago, I will tell you that much.

1134: I am seriously—seriously—considering going to bed if this drags on much longer. This is starting to get insufferable. And where’s the goddamn death montage? I’m sorry, but I was playing video game bowling with a Wii at 330 in the morning last night and I’m fucking tired.

1135: I’m so tired I can’t even get excited about a montage. ~sad face~ I do wonder how many times “say hello to my little friend” has made it into montages. Honestly.

1140: Oh, my, GOD. We’re still on boring awards like editing? Oh my god. I really might have to go to bed. This is unprecedented. Then again, I’m up over 2500 words at this point and 7 pages in Word. No wonder I’m tired, dang.

1142: Very cute, portly older lady wins for editing “The Departed.” Everyone seems really happy about it. So, yay? Yay!

1143: Pleeeeease let Jodie Foster be presenting something good, and not like, “Best Performance by a Lesbian Pretending to be Straight.” (What? Perez isn’t the only one who can think so!)

1144: Oh, yay, the death reel! Whoohoo. I’m rejuvenated. Love Love LOVE how people clap for the people they like best no matter how much show-runners tell them it’s disrespectful to do so. I’d like to think that if I ever made it into a death reel, I’d get some good claps. (Applause that is, NOT venereal disease.)

1151: Philip Seymore Hoffman was definitely just doing drugs and/or fucking in the men’s room. His hair is a mess sticking out in every direction, and he can barely stand and focus long enough to read the nominees for best actress. They should have just skipped calling him out and just called Helen Mirren up.

1154: You know, with 5 nods and no wins, Kate Winslet is really starting to rack up a bit of a losing streak for being only 31, eh?

1155: Why. WHY more interpretive dance and talk from Chris (fucking) Connolly when it’s 1155 p(fucking)m? WHY?

1157: You know what just occurred to me? This fricking thing started at 830. WHY? So ABC can have a pre-show red carpet bullshit thing. WHY can’t they just do that at 730 and start the show at 8? Everyone knows the Oscars are close to 4 hours long. Why make movie fans cranky at work on a Monday, when Mondays are certainly stressful enough without sleep loss. Am I being punished for being an awards show junkie?

1200: Oooooh, Reese Witherspoon’s dress is amazing. Navy so dark it looks black, or black with shades of blue? Beautiful. Just get Forrest Whitaker up there already. And he better not drone on. According to his clip, he’s winning this award based on the amount of actual sweating he did.

1203: It’s kind of boring there weren’t more surprises in the acting categories but the one with Alan Arkin. Oh well. (God, Whitaker is definitely droning on. God. This show will end sometime Friday afternoon. Zzzzz)

1206: Because I am so cranky, I just know that Scorsese is going to get shafted. Again. AGAIN.

1207: Oh, thank god. Thank GOD. Yeah, and we’re on page 8. Love you Marty, really do, despite your Uncle Junior glasses. But if you babble on I will take my own life.

1209: Oh, Jesus. He is holding a stack of index cards. Jesus.

1212: Diane Keaton looks remarkably chic, but holy crap she is on some drugs. She’s shouting. I am too tired for this Diane.

1213: Yep, definitely drugs. She shrieks out loud when “The Departed” takes it. let me just say, after my previous rant on this subject, that I did see “Babel,” as well as “The Queen,” and “Little Miss Sunshine.” I didn’t see “Iwo Jima,” but of the other four, I really do think “The Departed” deserves it. I am pleased.

And I am also exhausted. If any of you actually read this whole thing, I salute you. Now, I am off to bed.