The Oscah Blog, Part III

(Click here for part one of the Oscah blog, and here for part two. Or, just scroll down, lazy ass.)

(Oh, and I did not proof or edit any of these, so the writing may suck and I may lazily repeat the same jokes or phrases repeatedly. It's haaahd to write a 4 hour live blog, so hopefully the three of you who read will cut me some slack.)

830: Showtime! I sort of am in love with this montage of nominees against a white background, talking about their nominations (even the nobody sound effects guys, who discuss being nominated 19 times with no wins…take that O’Toole!). But Martin Scorsese looks like Uncle Junior, freaks me out a little…

836: Ellen’s wearing…a maroon velvet suit? Is this an Eddie Murphy reference or something? Didn’t he wear some hideous red suit or something? Purple? Wow, it’s bloody awful. I really hope it’s a joke, really.

838: I think Ellen just called Penelope Cruz Mexican. Now she’s going to get cut after the show. Hopefully, it will ruin the hideous suit. “Soy de Espana, puta!!!”

842: Huzzah! An audience cut to Jennifer Hudson shows that she lost the hideous coat. I knew she was a FuManchShoes reader.

846: I’m so glad I bought a People magazine to read during the boring awards. See you in a couple hours!

852: Will Ferrell and his giant afro, Jack Black and John C. Reilly sing a weird production number that is pretty funny, especially when Jack Black threatens to beat down octogenarian Peter O’Toole with his Nickleodeon award. All this to introduce the Makeup nominees. Weird! But…Will Ferrel. So it is automatically awesome.

857: Boy, this People magazine review of “The Astronaut Farmer” is pretty fascinating! Oh, and “Pan’s Labrynth wins for makeup. My dad calls, “What is Pan’s Lab?” WHY, when they send two people up to accept an award, can they not just decide in advance who gets to talk? Flip a coin. I know it sucks to not be able to thank your mom for inspiring you to edit for sound and shit, but you’re just going to get played off the stage anyway.

859: Future it-couple drug addicts and Us Weekly regulars (circa 2018) Abigail Breslin and Jaden Smith (as in Will Smith’s kid) present animated short. Ugly Canadian woman wins, Smith flubs one of his lines to the delight of his dad.

905: Wow, Jaden struggles reading the winner of the live-action short! Are the Smiths one of those “we let them decide if they want to go to school” families, like the Osbournes?

906: Live-action short winner babbles through his speech like the MicroMachines guy. Good job dude! Holy crap, he fit a 3 minute speech into 45 seconds, I swear! I think he probably practiced that at home. It was eloquent too. I’m speechless here.

907: Crusty old Clint introduces clips from his Iwo Jima movie and is. zzzzzzzzzzzzz

911: Oh, sorry, just woke up. I hope I didn’t miss much. Ellen just corrected herself on Penelope Cruz’s nationality. Good for you Ellen, no knifing tonight!

921: Finally, a good award! I predict Eddie Murphy, but I secretly want Alan Arkin. Annoyingly, they seem to have cut short the clips. They have time for the “Sound Effects Choir” but not to give each actor a decent-sized clip?

922: Surprise! Alan Arkin wins, and I’m taking full responsibility. If he does not thank me, I’m going to be insulted. (Jesus, his speech sucks ass. He’s an actor, he can’t memorize that shit? And maybe think of a way to make it interesting? He does cry though, I like that.) I wonder if this means there will be a surprise for Jennifer Hudson too…we all know Beyonce would like it.

925: Okay. OKAY. Interpretive dance troupe? Seriously? How about, instead, we have a nice montage? WTF, mates. Their penguin shadow puppets are pretty good though.

933: Man, I know this is liberal propaganda, but I just love Melissa Etheridge. If I could sing like her, I’d never leave the house. Or something. You know what I mean. Everyone looks appropriately serious and “Yes, I took a private jet here, but the environment is like, soooooo important” after she’s done.

935: Ew, Leo. Why appear with the former Veep who shall remain nameless? Because he’s the only one with puffier eyes than you?

942: Jack…Nicholson? With a shiny bald shaved head? Was that him, though?

945: I take back what I said about Cameron’s dress. Now, it sort of looks like the napkins at a fancy restaurant. You know how they are all folded up in fancy shapes, and they get magically refolded while you are in the bathroom? I always wonder if they are afraid of like, finding the napkin full of boogers or chewed up food when they go to refold it for you.

945: Ben Affleck alert! I love how they introduced him as an “Academy Award winning screenwriter.” I guess, “the star of Reindeer Games” doesn’t really have the same zing.

946: An hour and forty five minutes in and we finally get a montage! And it’s a montage about writing! Oh, love love love! (I know, I’m a geek, but if I didn’t love writing you wouldn’t be reading this remarkably entertaining blog.)

952: Yay, a “Departed” win! William Monahan wins for “The Departed.” Let’s just say if “Borat” had won I wouldn’t have been upset, but this pleases me also.

1004: Anne Hathaway and the English chick from that movie are visibly disappointed that the haggy Jessica Rabbit did not win for “The Devil Wears Prada.” I am not disappointed, because a totally insane, terrified, Frenchwoman in an odd tuxedo who likes like a white Prince wins instead. Although I would have liked to make fun of the other lady again too.

1005: Tom Cruise! If there is no Nicole Kidman audience shot I’ll be pissed.

(pissed)

1006: Zzzzzzz, the Humanitarian award. In the past, this award went to Oprah. Now it’s being given to someone who I’ve never heard of. I just hope it results in a good montage.

1007: Oh, okay, fine, this chick seems worthy and stuff. I just hope it doesn’t take too long.

1011: Psssst, Gwyneth! ~whispers~ I can see your bra!

1012: What number of diet root beers is too many? Because I’ve had four. And I’d like another. I know I ought to drink water instead, but…roooooot beeeeer. How am I hooked on something that doesn’t even have caffeine or calories? Fascinating.

1014: Okay, I am starting to get really tired. I’m going to lay down and come back the next time they present an award I care about….stay tuned for Part Four!!!