The Oscah Blog, Part Uno

Okay, I give, I give. I shall do an Oscars blog. I was inspired by the red carpet coverage on E!. More specifically, by the horror of Jennifer Hudson’s ill-advised golden tinfoil bolero jacket.

Oh, Jennifer. You’re the darling of the awards show circuit. You looked fierce at the Golden Globe awards. I liked your performance in “Dreamgirls,” and I think you’ll win the Oscar tonight. But why, why, whyyyyy did you add that tinfoil thing to your lovely chocolate gown? You look like you just finished a marathon.

(Sidebar: I never got that aspect of marathon running. I know it has some shit to do with body heat or evaporization, or whathaveyou. But it’s like, if I ever ran a marathon, I don’t think the little tinfoil blanket is really going to help me feel any better about all my toenails falling off and the pee running down my legs, and the cardiac arrest and stuff.)

So, I’m settling in with several cans of Diet A&W Root Beer, some Easy Mac, and a very disgruntled cat who doesn’t understand that “laptop computer” means “computer on my lap, INSTEAD of a cat.”

652: Looks like Cameron Diaz has packed on the old Breakup 15. Nice dress though.

655: In response to Rachel Weiszcghzlnzzzz’s Vera Wang gown (which is lovely, by the way), Seacrest says “Wow there’s a lot of wang here.” To make up for it, he turns to the camera as Jessica Biel makes his way towards him to say, “wow, there’s just hottie after hottie out here, wow.” Just keep sayin’ it, Seacrest.

658: Speaking of repressed homosexuality, here comes John Travolta and his lovely beard. Kelly Preston, wearing some sort of shiny animal print monstrosity. Her hair looks nice though, and she looks not a day over 30, so good for her.

659: Seacrest pumps Travolta (heh) for information about dressing in drag for “Hairspray.” Travolta looks pissy about it. Hey Zucko, maybe if you don’t want people to think you’re Gay-o, you shouldn’t do a role last made popular by one Harvey Fierstein. Just sayin’.

704: Seacrest plays a hilariously heartfelt “good luck” message from Simon Cowell for Jennifer Hudson. Do you think he’s angling for a “thank-you” in her acceptance speech?

707: Flipping to the Barbara Walters special in time for her to ask Ellen Degeneres if she’d be dancing. Degeneres looks like she just asked her if she would wear a dress, all annoyed by the question. Um, again, maybe if you don’t want people to think you dance everywhere you go, you shouldn’t do damn American Express commercials where you….dance everywhere you go.

710: I really miss Pretty Leo. Not that Grown-Up Pinched-Looking Leo isn’t still a dish, and not that I wouldn’t totally do it with him (although, at this point, I’d totally do it with like, a bookshelf).

Okay, taking a break from the Seacrest, because he’s making my brain hurt, and he just pulled down his pants to show what brand his underwear is…in front of Helen Mirren. So yeah, it’s hard to type while blind.

(Also, I’m hungry. Time for Easy Mac.)