March 25, 2008

Taking a Bible Beating



Oh, for Christ's sake.

Where did I leave off? Oh yeah, he'd dumped me. Well, that lasted all of three seconds, because I'm the shit, I mean, come on. Would you be able to stay away? So he came back, admitted his mistake, and everything was relatively peachy for the last 6 or 7 weeks.

I say "relatively," because things can't really be that peachy when I'm not getting laid, let's be serious. But we still did, um, "other stuff," and it was okay, actually. I thought I liked him enough that his Jesus-loving wasn't going to be a big deal. We spent pretty much all our free time together, talked on the IM every day (this will be important soon), sang karaoke duets, he met my parents, we played Trivial Pursuit and Scene It and Cribbage (how many boys like Cribbage as much as me??? It was a match!) and basically were a fairly normal couple for a while there.

Then he had to go to fucking church.

He hadn't been in a while. I was actually glad for him, since I know how much he loves the Jesus.

I was glad until he came over that night to tell me that he prayed at church all afternoon, and while he was not breaking up with me (remember that later too), he did need to tell me that he could never make out with me or fool around with me, or even sleep in a bed next to me ever ever ever again. Because apparently Jesus wouldn't like it or something.

I'm not trying to dis Christians. Many friends of mine are seriously devoted Christians, and I have even been friends with a guy who felt just like the Boy did--no physical contact, not even kissing. The thing was, that guy sought out women who felt the same as did. Dated girls he met through church or Bible study. This guy has known what I'm about from the very beginning of our relationship.

Not to mention, we'd been doing PLENTY of physical contact before this. He was pulling a complete 180 in the middle of our relationship. You can't just follow the Bible "sometimes," and then have it cause a massive rift in your romantic involvement. I mean, come on.

And yet? I didn't dump him. I told him I wanted to think about what to do, and we have hung out a couple times since then.

Then today, he fucking IM'S ME, as in, sends me a fucking Instant Message (with my notes in bold):

well I have been thinking a long hard time about this and this is what I thought. I understood that my decision was going to be a shock to you, but I didn't think that you would respond in the way you did and have (Which I think means he thought I would dump him right away and spare him the trouble). I have tried to explain my feelings and all you keep telling me is how you don't think you can handle the situation. Well I have thought about it and I can't handle the situation either. I think you are a very fun nice girl (Oh, how nice), but we are far too different in our morals (SLUT!), political views (LIBERAL!), and belief systems. I need to be with someone who can share my feelings and beliefs and you need to be with someone who can do the same. We are just to different and I know I am taking the coward way out by typing you this (YOU THINK, DOUCHE??) but I am afraid I will not be able to in person (Because I am awesome and he doesn't really want to end it, but he thinks he has to because of God or something). Good luck with everything and I hope that you find what you are looking for. I am very thankful for everything you have done for me (I can't even tell you how nice I was to this guy, because it's too pathetic now) and the kindness you have shown me. God Bless and take care.

So look. Everything he says there is true. We ARE too different. And I was ultimately going to end our relationship too. But I was trying to slowly ease into it, because I enjoy spending time with him very much, and I thought we could just transition to friends.

But y'all? Ain't no goddamn (yeah that's right, goddamn) way I can be friends with someone who ends our relationship in a freaking instant message, and then immediately signs offline (or, more likely, just blocks me) without giving me even .0005 seconds to read it and respond.

So I did the only rational thing:

1) Called him up and left a voicemail bitching him out for being such a pussy.
2) Sent him a text informing him he is not actually 22, but 12, because only 12 year olds dump people on IM.
3) Sent him a much calmer email after I was calm (well, calmer) explaining just what I have in this post. That I wanted to be his friend, that he has disrespected me completely in a way that I didn't even think he was capable.

I'm officially a psycho--and the worst part is that I had no intention of contacting him again after all that, because he didn't respond and I do have some self-respect left.

But he has one of my favorite movies.

Do I let it go? I really want that movie, it's a Matt Damon movie! A girl can use a little Matt Damon after taking such a beating emotionally.

I think I have to let it go, because even if he gave it back to me, he'd probably like, mail it to me or something so he wouldn't have to see me, and that would be even more pathetic than everything else that's already happened.

Remember the resolution? I had said I was giving up boys for three monhts. Well, three months have almost gone by since then and I have been with The Jesus Boy for almost that long.

So now I'm renewing it as a Spring Resolution. Three months. If you so much as hear a peep from me about a damn boy anytime between now and July, I give you full license to just come on over and shoot me in the head.

I leave you with my favorite Tenacious D song about "doing it" (hehe), which is dirty and raunchy and features both Jesus and Satan! I find it quite appropriate: