Hey Baby, Nice Globes

Ah, the Golden Globe Awards. The best damn awards show period. The booze flows like wine, and the spray on tans are as tangible as the discomfort so obviously felt by the big time movie stars being forced to share air with lowly television stars. Naturally, I kept a running diary.

802: Brangelina!!! You almost never see them at shit like this. Why aren’t they seated at a tableful of underprivileged orphans with an 800 number flashing for those interested in adopting?

805: Surprising absolutely no one, Jennifer Hudson wins best supporting actress. I really loved her performance in “Dreamgirls,” but you can tell that she’s received so many awards that her head’s gotten almost as big as her tits. Beyonce’s fake smile is awesome though. Beyonce Internal monologue: Lap it up, bitch, next year you’ll be replacing Kirstie Alley as the spokesperson for Jenny Craig!

808: Justin Timberlake accepts the award for Best Song on behalf of an absent Prince, and does so by dipping down to imitate Prince’s…limited stature. Careful JT, what he lacks in height he makes up for in cock. He’ll come after you and use that thing as a garrote. The lack of Cameron Diaz’s audience reaction shot? Unforgivable.

810: Jack Nicholson’s daughter is very pretty, but looks like him in a way that freaks me out. I don’t know how guys can date her without picturing her bashing through a door with an axe. She’s probably never had a boyfriend.

812: Why on EARTH Jeremy Irons and Jeremy Piven were competing for the same Golden Globe is really beyond me, but Piven was so obviously hammered already in his reaction shot that I was oddly okay with it.

820: Kyra Sedgwick’s boobs are massive, did she just have a baby? Why don’t I know this, I make it my job to know stuff like this. I love her and Kevin Bacon because they are both really pretty much unattractive people who have made it in Hollywood. And I suspect that the reason their marriage has worked for so long is that they’re like, hosting Hollywood swingers parties and dressing up in leather. Tell me you couldn’t see Kevin Bacon in bondage, am I right?

826: You know, when she made “Jerry Maguire” Renee Zellweger had eyes.

828: Oh shut up, Jessica Biel. You make me want to drive my car off a cliff. How can the rest of us make it in this world when you’re around? It’s really just not fair. Christ.

831: Don’t worry Keifer. Later on you can go to Hugh Laurie’s house (“House!” Hahah! Get it? GET IT?) and rip his heart out with your toenails (tm Jeffa).

832: I’m sick and tired of everyone being all shocked and dismayed when they win. “Oh my goodness, this is so unexpected…” That being said, Hugh Laurie’s speech was such a riot. And I never fail to forget that he’s actually British, no matter how many awards I see him win.

841: I can’t really begin to describe what’s going on with Charlie Sheen’s hair. But I'm pretty sure a curling iron and some Aqua Net were involved.

844: Seriously. “Cars?” There’s no way that was better than “Happy Feet.” Also, get off the stage “Cars” guy. You’re not famous.

845: Annette Benning gets caught guzzling champagne on camera. Niiiice. If Beyonce wins I’m switching to “24.” I don’t want to live in a world where Beyonce gets an acting award in a category that Meryl Streep was also nominated. I mean come on.

847: Streep. Thank the lord for Streep. As an admirer of the craft, I can’t help but join everyone else in burying my face up her ass, because girlfriend knows what she’s fucking doing and looked damn good with that silver bob in that movie. I mean, I can’t make a joke about Streep. Honestly. (Okay, I really didn’t like her dress.) And she’s right about how 90% of the nominated movies aren’t fucking playing in places like New Hampshire. I really love awards shows, and I really love good movies, and sadly enough most of the movies that are, you know, worth seeing are the smaller movies that don’t end up in the multiplex in Manch Vegas. Nevermind that they’ve had “Casino Royale” playing on 4 screens for like 5 months but can’t manage to put “The Queen” up there for me. Jesus. And I would continue to rant about this all the way through the commercials, but I have to pee.

855: Poor Ben Stiller, everyone is still obviously mingling and drinking and laughing while he is trying to introduce “Borat.”

900: You know, I love that Ben Affleck is back to his original color and stuff, and I’d totally want to go see a Sox game with him and Jennifer Garner, but I really found him much more entertaining when he was drunken and orange and J-Lo’s bitch.

905: Eddie Izzard with facial hair, a possible American accent, and absolutely no make-up in this commercial for “The Riches” really, really disturbs me. Eddie, why are you doing this? Get some damn high heels on and get back on stage, because it’s been 8 years since “Dressed to Kill” and I’m getting kind of annoyed over here. And don’t bring up that 2002 show you did, because not only did I hear it was sub-par, that was still five years ago.

911: Annette Benning continues to guzzle champers like a champ. Yeah Drunk!Annette Benning! I feel like she is the one that brings rounds of shots to the table at 145 when everyone is already fucked three ways to the weekend.

918: Oh, poor Cameron. You’ve been drinking your woes away, haven’t you? You’re wearing a frilly doily of some kind and squinting at the teleprompter like my mom trying to dial her cell phone when she’s not wearing her glasses. Have another. And again, the lack of a JT audience shot? UNFORGIVABLE.

920: In what I fear will be a continuing trend, “The Queen” beats “The Departed” out in the screenplay category. I’m quite certain that “The Queen” is a great movie, I really want to see it, as a matter of fact. But I haven’t because it ain’t playing in the fucking Shire. So I’m screwed. Ew, this British guy is using his time to promote some sort of political agenda. Go back to England, hippie.

922: A possibly drunken Tim Allen (hey, Tim Allen!) refers to “30 Rock” as “3rd Rock”. Ha! Alec Baldwin should kick his ass when he gets to the stage. I’m just glad Tony Shaloub didn’t win again, I am sick of that guy, and “Monk” looks like a pretty stupid show to me (and don’t email me, I really could give a crap if it’s actually the best show ever, I don’t watch it and I’m sick of that guy!).

923: Ah yes, old Alec appears to be picking up Affleck’s slack in the self tanner department. At least we can count on someone to give me something to work with.

931: Aw! Okay I also can’t make fun of the girl from “Ugly Betty,” because she’s so freaking excited they won best comedy, and her dress is my favorite shade of purple. So pretty. Plus she’s kind of a chunk, so, solidarity, sister.

935: Jesus Christ, Sharon Stone. You look unbelievable. The same can be said, but for entirely different reasons, about Clint Eastwood’s inexplicable gold bow-tie.

940: I love the DVR. I just rewound to determine that Prince was indeed there in the audience. Was he in the shitter when they called his category? Was he getting blown by 8 different chicks in the limo? Has he already used his penis to garrote Justin Timberlake? Was it Cameron Diaz in the limo with him, and is that why they didn’t show her in the audience? I need answers!

946: Hugh Grant asks Prince to stand and bow since he’s here now. He was “stuck in traffic”. If by “stuck in traffic” you mean “stuck in some ho”. By the way, Drew Barrymore looks stunning, and it’s officially starting to piss me off that no one looks absurd (poor Cam notwithstanding, but she has an excuse), what am I supposed to make fun of? Drew even wore a bra. Christ.

958: Why is Tom Hanks presenting Warren Beatty with a lifetime achievement award? Was he the original second bosom buddy?

959: My new cat, Butters, reacts to Warren Beatty’s award by jumping on the couch next to me, ripping a huge smelly fart, and then jumping back off and leaving the room. Thanks, Butters; I didn't like "Bullworth" either, but I'm starting to think you have some serious ass problems. We may need to get that checked. Meanwhile, Chloe the cat (not to be confused with her namesake, Chloe the Badass from “24”) was too pissed off that I chose to record “24” to watch the Golden Globes, and has apparently left the room in protest for the evening.

1023: Did Dustin Hoffman really just say that they “put the fun in dysfunctional?” What’s he gonna say next, a “your momma’s so fat” joke?

1024: Yay Martin Scorsese! I actually saw (and loved) “The Departed.” How he managed to coax passable Boston accents out of the cast that wasn’t actually from there is beyond me (although I guess Martin Sheen was really only doing a half-assed Kennedy impression, but his character got chucked off a roof for chrissakes, so that’s really punishment enough).

1027: Cameron, look at Reese Witherspoon. Her breakup was probably just a LITTLE more traumatizing than yours, and she doesn’t look like she just spent the night doing blow with Lindsay Lohan in the back room at Hyde.

1029: Borat speaking in a normal British accent, and being so hilarious that I don’t even know why I have bothered attempting anything resembling amusing in the entirety of my life, when there is genius out there like this. Good lord!

1030: The fucking power has just gone out. What. The. FUCK. The GOOD awards are coming up!!!!!!! WTF!!!??????? The ice storm stopped like 300 years ago. God damn it.

1040: My mother helpfully informs me that “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Dreamgirls” have won awards since my power has been out.

1050: Jenny informs me that Forrest Whitaker beat out Leo. He was robbed!

1100: This is so annoying. I wanted to watch “24” before I went to bed. Fuckers!

1124: Power is back. Wa-frigging-hoo. I've ascertained that stupid "Babel" won (most depressing movie ever) Best Picture and that Forrest Whitaker won for some movie I’ve never heard of. Whatever.