December 31, 2006

Sign Says, Stay Away Fools

Haven't done the Numbers in quite sometime.

6: Number of times I got on a plane and flew somewhere in the last month.

1: Number of times I got so scared that I cried during takeoff.

4: Average drinks per flight.

2: Number of times I got to go first class, whoooohoooooo! Me gusta mucho free booze.

0: Number of times the plane came crashing out of the sky in a fiery death explosion, killing all aboard (Not that this matters in terms of "Lowering My Rampant Fear of All Things Aeronautic."

0: Number of times I've been to the gym in the past MONTH (oy, I was doing SO well, fucking holidays.)

[Redacted]: Number of pounds I gained over Christmas. OY. Well I guess that's what New Year's resolutions are for.

9: Cigarettes smoked last night.

13143185903185310: Cigarettes I intend to smoke tonight...becuase...

0: Number of cigarettes I get after tonight. Wail! Sob!

(sniffle...)

(No, you guys don't get it, it's SO fucking good.)

(Just so good, what the hell am I thinking?)

2:1 <- Odds of my breaking this resolution on the first Friday.

12,314,917,477: Number of dollars I spent last night on booze.

10: Perfect ten for the awesomest Khrissy birthday party since the infamous Deano Strip Tease of 2001 incident.

3: Number of times I had to re-read that last sentence before I accepted that the Deano Strips for Khrissy's Birthday (and puts a sock on his penis) (seriously) was actually five damn years ago. Holy mackerel.

0: Motivation I have to get ready to go out tonight.....

Happy New Year!

December 28, 2006

I'm Sorry, I Just Don't Have Much To Do This Week

I think one of the guys in those creepy video Match.com commercial ad things that are all over MySpace right now is the guy who played "Seth with the Tiny Penis" in "The 40-Year Old Virgin." And it amuses the shit out of me every time I see it. But, those ads are still creepy.

I've done Match before in the past, with varied levels of success.

Actually scratch that, I've never gotten laid by someone I met on Match, so therefore it did not result in success. But I did have some nice dates with nice guys, is what I mean.

Wait, did I get laid?

~thinks~

Nope. Definitely not. Two guys had potential, but one ended up being potentially gay, and the other ended up dumping my ass before we made it past third base. Oh well.

Anyhow, stole this from my buddy Pat, sorry for another survey but I am bored as poo, and they are fun.

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Credit cards. Even when I make a huge payment (well, huge to me anyway) they never seem to go down.

2. What's the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
Top of the Hotel Washington in D.C. I don't know if they have food up there, but I've been there for cocktails a few times, and it's great.

3. Last time you puked from drinking?
Um, a week ago. Yeah, I am 27.

4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
If I recall correctly (and you never know), I danced on a bar at Alicia's bachelorette party in the summer of 2004.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Guinesso? Something italiany

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
I'm missing DC at the moment for some reason, so I guess I'd like to be at Mackey's with all my friends like I'd never left. Man, now I am depressed.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
Lame: A writer. You know, those who can't write, blog.

8. How many colleges did you attend?
One, G-Dubya. Loved DC, hated G-dub. And I'll be paying my loans off literally until the day I die, then they'll be all my illegitimate kids' problems.

9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now?
Becuase I'm going out after work tonight and it shows my tits off. I'm slutty, whoo!

10. GAS PRICES! First thought?
I remember when the Shell down the street from my childhood home had gas for .97 a gallon. Does that age me?

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you...
I think I'd move to Boston, but only if I could buy a massive house and transport all the people I miss the most into it, so I could have access to them whenever. Oh and Tom Brady, so I could have "access" to him whenever.

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
&$#@!!

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
"Wow, you were amaaazing, Right Hand. We should do this again sometime!"

14. Favorite style of underwear?
Boy shorts

15. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex?
Boxers, definitely. Anything else just shows their shit, and penis pouches are just not sexy. Unless you're Tom Brady.

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
Honestly, all of 'em. I ought to be able to just lay on a platform all day like Jabba the Hut, with sex slaves all round me dressed in purple and gold. This is disturbing becuase lately I've actually begun to resemble Jabba, so let's move on.

17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery?
If I didn't have to work, I'd probably be too drunk to volunteer anywhere.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Sleeeeeeep.

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
Beavis and Butthead, they were ahead of their time. Eric Cartman should send them a check.

20. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a girl/guy?
You know that game where you touch hands and the person with their hands on the bottom tries to smack the hands of the person with their hands on top? That. Mostly becuase when members of the opposite sex play that game, it usually leads to doing it anyway.

21. A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing?
I didn't vote in the last presidential election, even though I was like, in charge of a phone bank and all active and whip at the convention and stuff. I'm a loser.

22. When did you first start feeling old?
When I broke up with my last boyfriend and realized that if I still wanted to have a baby by the time I was 30 I needed to meet my husband immediately. That freaked me out. I'm now aiming for the 35 range so I don't give myself a stroke.

23. Favorite 80's movie?
Heathers, no question.

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Salami. Hehehe.

25. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
Herpes, it's actually in the air there.

26. Beach or lake?
Beach

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20?
No, but probably only becuase I like being the center of attention so much, so I'll want to be a bride someday. Hopefully I won't look like Jabba in a wedding dress.

28. Who do you stalk on MySpace?
Basically, anyone I don't see as much. I'm on my DC friends' pages all the time, becuase it's an easy way to keep up with them. Oh, and Kevin Federline.

29. Favorite guilty pleasure?
America's Next Top Model

30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
"It Takes Two," which is an OLSEN TWINS movie that ripped off "The Parent Trap." To quote the Sports Guy, "I will now set myself on fire."

31.What's your drink?
Lately, Jack & Diet. Or Captain & Diet. Or margarita. Okay, Alcohol. Alcohol is my drink.

32. Cowboys or Indians?
Red Sox, thanks.

33. Cops or Robbers?
I have a girl-crush on Callie from CSI: Miami. I'd totally make out with her, and I covet her long blonde hair.

I'm not sure why it skips from 33 to 38, but there you have it...

38. Who from high school would you like to run into?
High school, god. I agree with Pat, there isn't anyone from high school. that I want to see that I don't see. Everyone else can suck on it. But I guess my friend John, we are big time IM chums, but I haven't seen the motherfucker in two and a half years.

39. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now? Sirius, Howard 100.

42. Norm or Cliff?
NORM!

43. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons?
Simpsons

44. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
I sometimes think that me and my ex stayed together way longer than we should have becuase we were afraid to be alone, but I don't think of it like it is such a terrible thing, I mean, we had fun.

45. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
No one does! I am so ronery!

46. If you could get away with it, who would you kill?
Peyton Manning (okay, not really, don't sue me, Archie.)

47. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Tom Brady or Matt Damon, if by "dinner" you mean "sexual intercourse."

48. What famous person would you like to sleep with?
Oops, I guess I skipped ahead there.

49. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
No. But what are other people doing with fire extinguishers that this is a question??

50. Last book you read for real?
Embarassing, but it was "Mary, Mary," the latest Alex Cross novel by James Patterson. In my defense, I borrowed it from my mom to read on the plane, and polished it off in less than 10 hours of travel this weekend.

51. Do you have a teddy bear?
Nope, just a stuffed elephant named Harold.

52. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
Um, I sometimes will brush while peeing to save time.

53. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
Napa...mmm, wine.

54. Number of texts in a day?
Um, sometimes tons, sometimes none. It definitely is a direct proportion to alcohol intake.

55. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or relationship?
A new relationship...I'm definitely growing weary of singleton life at this point. Plus, I miss spooning, and the gigolos will only do that if you pay extra.

56. Do you go to church?
No, I think I'd burst into flames.

57. Pencil or pen?
Pen

58. Bueller??? bueller???
Aw, great flick.

59. How many jobs have you had?
I think like 20. I got fired a lot in my youth.

60. What do you want to achieve in life?
I'd like to write a book, even if it never gets published. I'd like to write for an entertainment magazine. I'd like to take a summer touring Europe, if I ever have the money. I'd like to have a house on a beach. I'd like a lot of things. Hopefully some of them will pan out...

Yay for 2007. Kelly says it's her "Year of the Husband," which kills me becuase she never stops being optimistic. I think for me it's going to be "Year of the Fresh Start," becuase 2006, in many ways, was a HUGE gong show for me. It was awesome, I had great fun, I moved back to Manch Vegas.....but I definitely need to revamp some things.

But first, let's drink.

December 27, 2006

Two Thousand and Six

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Was maid of honor in my sister's wedding and gave a toast; tailgated at six different country shows with the best Tailgating Team ever!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I have, generally, the worst will-power ever, which is why my thin clothes remain in a sealed vault where they've been un-worn for 2.5 years. So I don't make resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Aliwalidoodah!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit?
Ugh, none. So sad!

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
A cat and a waistline. Oh, and some Uggs. I still like them, shut up!

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 10 and 16th, my back to back bridesmaidly duties! And Cinco de Mayo, Brooke's insane bachelorette crazyness.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Eating 20 crabs.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Well, the whole waistline thing. And failing to remain upright on the 4th of July, resulting in a lovely tumble down some stairs and a lovely sprained ankle that turned all blue.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
See #9 re: Big Blue Ankle.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
About 14,000 pairs of shoes, lovely shoes.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Jenny's for avoiding decending into Bridezillaville and keeping a very cool head.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Frankly? My own, on a number of occasions...not a banner year for the whole "Sarah Behaving Herself" thing.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Into my belly, in the form of booze, and onto my feet, in the form of shoes.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Bachelorette parties, particularly ones involving party buses.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Probably "Sweet Child of Mine," becuase I think I karaoked that song more times this year than I have any other song in history.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? I think I am happier.
ii. Thinner or fatter? Definitely fatter, UGH.
iii. richer or poorer? Hmmmm. Pretty much the same.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercising

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Boozing, eating, hooking up with the wrong guys.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? Just spent it with family at my sister's house outside New Orleans, much merryment.

21. What was your favourite TV program?
Grey's Anatomy, 24, Lost.

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.

23. What was the best book you read?
"Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs," by Chuck Klosterman. Couldn't put it down.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Buck Cherry

25. What did you want and get?
Some things that didn't turn out too great on either front, and to move back to NH, which is turning out swimmingly...so we'll call it a wash.

26. What was your favourite film of this year?
Talladega Nights

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went on a date and drank margaritas, then went to a friend's house for a movie. Very low key, I was 27 (creepy, this is #27 in this survey!) BUT, I also had an awesome party the following week!

28. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Chunky and pointy (chunky = jewelry and body, pointy = shoes).

29. What kept you sane?
Wine, friends, friends, friends, wine, Jack Daniels.

30. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I still live with a massive Matt Damon crush, we're entering Year Nine. And of course Tom Brady, who is SINGLE again by the way, muahhahahah.

31. What political issue stirred you the most?
I remained relatively unstirred this year...I was so checked out of politics.

32. Who did you miss?
All my far-off friends, including the ones I've just left behind.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Well I met her before this year, but Sara is definitely the best friend I only got to be close with this year. We've only been hanging out a few months but I know we will be friends for life!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
There is no theory of evolution. Only a list of animals Jack Bauer allows to live.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"You had some of the best times you'll never remember with me, Alcohol."

That's Definitely Jessica's Stench

Things That Have Happened to Sarah Since December the 8th:

Spent a few days in Washington. Threw up in various locations around town, including but not limited to the street outside some girlfriends' house, the back porch of said girlfriends' house, and the handicapped stall (indeed) of a downtown bar.

While in Washington, also smashed (and I mean smashed) an entire large glass tumbler of Jack&Diet on the ground at a very nice bar during an ill-advised attempt to rock back on my 4-inch heels to give my throbbing tootsies a break. Note to self: Slipper drink glasses full of delicious alcohol will NOT actually prevent you from tumbling to the ground, so next time grab onto one of the 18 sturdy men that were about two inches away. If you end up taking them down with you, all the better. You do need a piece, after all.

Ate double my weight in Christmas chocolates, cookies, cakes, drinks, pork, beef, cheeseburgers (this weekend in New Orleans, for example, I ate a cheeseburger that used a croissant as a BUN...which, yeah, mmmm, but also, uh, gaining some holiday weight much, Sarah? Going for the record are we? Well done!), pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, various breakfast pastries, and cheese. And various other things that will no doubt result in disastrousness when Kels and I head back into Weight Watchers tomorrow evening for the first time in (gulp) three weeks.

Made this incredibly wise decision: The night before I had to be at the airport at oh-six-hundred hours (that's six in the MORNING to lay people) (heheh, "lay" people) to head off to the Big Easy (named after me, of course) (wait...), I assembled some girlfriends and my buddy James at my house for an impromptu pre-Christmas bash. The girls and I consumed an entire bottle of chocolate vodka before James even arrived. James arrives, we kill a bottle of champagne. We go to Margarita's, consume a margarita. We go to Strange Brew for ladies night, where I proceed to spend approximately 13 thousand dollars, despite the fact that drinks are half price. This could explain why I did not remember who drove us home (some dude the other girls picked up, good job ladies), wound up beating James repeatedly at 4 in the morning with the stuffed elephant from my bed (whom he named "Harold" for some reason), and tossing up all 13 thousand of those dollars later on. It would also explain to the guy seated next to me on the plane--in first class, no less--why I reeked of booze, puke and toothpaste. And also why I stole his pillow. Sorry about that, First Class Dude.

(What's with me throwing up all the time? This was a major problem between the ages of 17 and 24, but I'd say I'd managed to get a handle on it in recent years, identifying the point in my binge drinking when it's maybe time to, you know, STOP binge drinking. But in the past six months or so I think I've hurled more than in the preceding 3 years. Highly disturbing.)

Saw the following movies: "Dreamgirls," which was overhyped but still tremendous, particularly the American Idol chick. "The Devil Wears Prada," which was sweet and light, but annoyed me becuase they had the character go from a "fat" size 6 to an "acceptable" size 4 and act all pleased with herself. I thought the point was that she was a "real" girl in this super-skinny high-fashion world. But oh well. Still very good, and Meryl Streep's performance is sublime. "Mission: Impossible 3," which was shockingly awesome. I thought I'd be distracted by my disdain for The Cruise (read: The Crazy) but I forgot about all that for the most part. My only quibble is that they cast a Katie Holmes lookalike as his wife. Come ON. And yeah, at one point I actually shrieked, alone in my living room, "Felicity! No!" I am so ashamed.

Spent Christmas Eve-Eve on Bourbon Street getting shitfaced....with my parents. Did a karaoke rendition of Redneck Woman in a bad mullet wig and a cowbow hat, which was in front of a huge crowd and with speakers blasting outside onto Bourbon street...and my parents were there. Caught beads from balcony dwellers and bought a drink called The Hand Grenade...with my PARENTS. What's funny is that my parents are really fun, and they sure know how to party. But that didn't stop it from being weird, especially when a guy asked my sister to flash for beads...IN FRONT OF MY DAD. I mean, that's just not right, y'all.

What WAS right was Christmas Eve morning at the Cafe Du Monde, scarfing beignets and chicory coffee and feeding hunks of the delicious fried dough to the scrabbly looking pigeons while an awesome guy with a trombone and a tamborine played Christmas tunes.

What was also quite right was when my brother-in-law accused my sister of having boobs the size of babies's heads. Which, I'm sorry, but I just can't get enough of that similie. I can't even look at her anymore. Good thing she lives pretty far away. Babies' heads! Okay, I have to move on, because I'm laughing hysterically again.

Had the following exchanges:

Sister: There's the Superdome.
Me: Didn't they tear that down?
Sister: Well no, becuase it's right there.
Me: No, I thought they had it condemned becuase it was full of poop.
Sister: Right there in front of you.
Me: Is it still full of poop?
Sister: I imagine not.

Dad: I think that's the mule I drove the last time I was here.
Me: You drove a mule?
Dad: Well I got to hold the reigns in the carriage.
Me: There are like 8 mules over there.
Dad: I recognize her stench.
Sister: Wasn't her name like a person? Not something like Bessie or Rosie, wasn't it like, Jessica?
Me: The Bessies and Rosies of the world aren't really happy about having mule-names, I think.
Dad: That's definitely Jessica's stench.

Me: I'm telling you, there is a building they tore down becuase it was too full of poop.
Sister: What is your poop obsession?
Me: It's not an obsession, I just know that it happened.
Dad: I really think they just cleaned the poop.
Me: Can you imagine doing that job?

Seriously almost bought the following on Bourbon Street: 1) A pink cowboy hat with feathers, which was $39.99 but I really did think about it. 2) A string of beads with black penises. 3) A t-shirt that read, "I got Bourbon-faced on Shit Street."

Actually bought the following: Matching feather boas for me and my mom. Awww.

Got awesome Christmas presents, had fun, flew first class to and from New Orleans, and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate. I could have accidentally ingested someone's kid in the last 3 weeks, seriously. If so I apologize. I'll buy you a new one, I promise.

Came home to discover my car battery died from the slow drainage of my satellite radio while I was away. Called AAA, who came and jumped it this morning and then instructed me to let it run for a good 30 minutes. I drove the 5 minutes to work and promptly forgot this instruction.

Guess whose car is dead again?

~raises hand~

I'm wicked smaht.

So that's about that. I'll probably have some more comprehensive thoughts on the Big Easy later on, but I wanted to update, I'm sure you've all been thoroughly depressed without me.

December 8, 2006

Our Balls are 12 Inches In Diameter!

Well, becuase you all failed me in determining what, exactly the infamous Christmas Kissing Balls were (as I did figure that they do not sell sex acts at Home Depot), I was able finally to Google them myself and figure it out.

Apparently, the Kissing Balls work like mistletoe, and you're supposed to kiss under them. You know, the whole tradition of mistletoe is truly brilliant. This reminds me of the time my friends and I went out to the bars wearing Santa hats with mistletoe tied to them. It was a brilliant tactical maneuver that worked wonderfully, if you don't take into consideration that the boy I ended up making out with that night later turned out to be engaged (d'oh).

I'm just glad, for all of us, that the kissing balls mystery has finally been solved. But since the website advertising these balls proudly states that they are 12 inches in diameter, I don't recommend tying them to your Santa hat in a pathetic effort to get a piece (hey, come on, we were 22! Like you never did anything retarded when you were 22?).




I'm off for a 5 day visit to my old stomping grounds in DC, and will most likely not blog while I'm gone. I'm planning a two-tiered attack of wine and benedryl (which I actually need, I seem to have developed some sort of skin condition between last night and this morning...just what I need for the three dozen parties I am attending in the next week!) to combat my flying anxiety, here's hoping it works.

If it doesn't, perhaps I should just hang out in my office's bathroom for a while first to give myself hypothermia. I hear when you're dying of hypothermia you actually acheive this sort of mellow euphoric state after the backbreaking shivering and teeth breaking chattering.

(Seriously, it's so cold in there I thought my butt was going to get stuck to the toilet like in "A Christmas Story.")

December 5, 2006

The Weekly Numbers, Late As They Are

I totally forgot about the Numbers. Dang, three weeks blogging and I already suck at updating. You know, back when I had my very first blog, on the illustrious Diaryland way back in 2001 (before blogging was cool, chickens. We're talking the stone-ages of blogging. And yes, I am aware that blogging still isn't really considered cool. But really aren't I cool enough for you to overlook that fact?), I would update approximately 4,000 times a day. Seriously, it was an update fest.

And here, I am like 10 entries in and already writing one of those dreaded, hacky, "sorry I never update enough" posts.

Oh well, deal with it, fuckers.

Onto the numbers....

Number of signs advertising kissing balls I've seen since the one I snapped a pic of at my spa: Three! And I still have no idea whatsoever what these are, if not a sex act. And I'm assuming they are not, considering New Hampshire isn't necessarily the sort of state where mom and pop shops on the side of the road display signs advertising the sex acts available within. I'd post more camera-phone shots of the kissing balls signs, but I was a lazy bitch and did not take any. Again, deal with it.

Items I have packed for my trip to DC this weekend: 0

Dirty items of laundry that I plan on bringing with me, but that I have yet to wash and probably won't until midnight THursday: 4

Number of Items I intend to pack for my 4 day trip: Well let's see. Jeans, a couple sweaters, pj's, workout clothes (heeeeeheheheheeee, *breathes*, heeeeeeeeee!!!!! Yeah, right.), 2 pair going out shoes, 2 work outfits, 2 going out shirts. 4 pair underwear. So what is that? 15 items? Not including toiletries? 15 it is.

Number of items I will no doubt ACTUALLY pack for my 4 day trip: Every single item of clothing in my closet and dresser, as well as two different pairs of underwear for every day (one comfy and one sexy..hey, you never know!), flip flops I won't wear, 4 different pairs of jeans, 3 different pajama bottoms for no apparent reason, Britney's panties, my wok, a fire extinguisher, my neighbor's cat, all the dishware from my cupboards including my 23 wine glasses, and a hat. Actually two hats, one Red Sox cap and one warm and fuzzy. Oh, and some cheese. So, how many is that?

Number of casualties incurred during my move this weekend: Only one, thankfully, and it figures it was my dad, who cut the back of his hand putting my kitchen table together. He always manages to find new and interesting ways to injure himself. He had already drawn blood once this week during a run-in with a teacup Maltese "killer," and went around complaining about feeling faint the rest of the week. The best part is that my mom actually gets mad at him every time he hurts himself. This tickles me pink. It's like when she gets mad at him for traffic. "WHY are we stuck behind this TRUCK? You just HAD to get behind the TRUCK, didn't you???" "None of the other lanes are moving either!" "But now we can't SEE." It kills me. Like he can do anything about traffic? Women are crazy, I heart us.

Number of Dunkin Donuts iced coffees consumed since last numbers update: 1. Hurrah! I seem to have settled down my rampant addiction. Actually, it's that I have not had any cash on me. My local Dunkin drive-thru doens't take cards, as I discovered while counting out several quarters and dimes for the long-haired 50 year old hippie guy that always serves me my coffee.

Number of ridiculous vanity plates noticed: 50,000. Seriously, what's UP, New Hampshire? This state is officially cuckoo for vanity plates. Granted, I myself had a vanity plate on my car in high school, and I just thought I was the cat's pajamas. It said "SARAH&", as "SARAH" was already taken. I thought it was mysterious..."Sarah& who????", people would think to themselves as I drove by. But folks, that's when I was 16 damn years old, and the car was a shit-ass Toyota. I was not some pompous ass in an Escalade with the license plate (seriously) "3CADDYS". That one did make me chuckle though. That douche is so lucky he lives in New Hampshire. How fast would Mr. 3Caddys get carjacked down in DC? Oh my gosh.

Number of drinks I'm going to need before I can get on the plane Friday: 40,000. I hate flying. HATE. "But the flight's only an hour, just relax!" You say. Guess what, chachi, the amount of time the plane is in the air before it comes CRASHING OUT OF THE SKY is not a factor in how dead such a catastrophe would make me. The last time I flew, my ticker was averaging 240 beats per minute. I'm going to try and use my old friend Mr. Jack Daniels to bring that number down to a nice, panicky 200 this time around.

Wish me luck.

December 2, 2006

I'd Be His Wide Receiver, But I Don't Like The Implications of the Word "Wide"

I've watched this like 10 times today. I'm hypnotized. God Bless the Sports Guy for pointing me in this direction.