What Happens Here Stays In Really Expensive Apartments

Good news: I found an apartment.

Bad news: It will cost me 300 million dollars, my first born (you know, that phantom baby I'm going to have with my super wealthy and good looking phantom boyfriend who, despite being so wealthy and good looking, won't let me move into his phantom mansion with him and solve all my problems--even phantom boyfriends are commitment-phobes, it figures), and year's supply of lobster as a tip to the manager for getting me the apartment with the view.


Good news: I no longer have to have exchanges like this--


Dad: You need to clean your bathroom before your mother gets home.
Sarah: It IS clean.
Dad: There's a towel on the floor.
Sarah: Wow, yeah, the singular towel slips off the space age slippery "hook" that is on the back of that door--for no apparent reason apparently, since the general definition of a "hook" implies that you can "hang" things from it, and I've never seen anything last on that "hook" for longer than your average pee.
Dad: Well maybe you should hang your towels elsewhere and stop making messes.
Sarah: Well....maybe you should shut up.
Dad: I'll shut up when you clean your bathroom.
Sarah: IT IS CLEAN. And I am 27 years old.
Dad: Is that one year for every towel you've left on the floor since you got here?


And so on.


Bad news: I can look forward to not having the towel on the floor problem in my new apartment, becuase I will have to sell all my linens to make rent.


Seriously Manch, what's up? Half the reason I wanted to move home was that I had the apartments up here filed under "So Inexpensive You Almost Feel Guilty For Living In Them." Now you're pulling this "Every Damn Bit As Expensive as Washington DC"?


WTF, mate? I thought we were buds. Look how well I've done since I moved back. I go to the gym, I curl my hair and put on makeup every day, I am good at my new job, I drink 89% less!


89%!!! Do you know what that's done to my social life? I'll tell you what it's done.


Sarah: Hi, I'm home. Man am I tired from the gym!
Dad: Hey! It's celebrity Jeopardy night! And I made pork!


vs.


Sarah: (430pm) Who's going to Mackey's tonight?
All of Sarah's Friends: Us!!!! Yay!


Sigh.


I guess the 89% figure is for the best though, seeing as how I'll only be able to drink at the diviest of bars now, and only on ladies' night, and only if I performed sexual favors for the bartender first.


So maybe moving out at this juncture won't be the best idea ever. But it will at least be a moderately good one. It will be, at the very least, a better idea than the network pimping William Shatner's new gameshow by repeatedly calling it "Shat-tastic!" and "Shat-tagious!"


Let me just say that if something is "Shat-tagious!" with an exclamation point I'm probably going to want to avoid it. Unless I've eaten too much over the weekend and am worried about reporting to Weight Watchers or something. Which...hmmm...what channel is that show on again?