OMFGERRRRRMS!!!! Nooo!

Okay, I'm sorry, but what the fuck.

Why am I the only person (girl, in particular) in America who is not afraid of germs? Maybe it's because I don't really get sick all that often, so I'm not particularly paranoid about it, but it seems to me that far too much energy in America is devoted to rampant germ fear mongering.

I was at a concert last week, and my friend chose to desperately hold in her pee and avoid having any more beers in order to avoid the porto-johns. Look, porto-johns are gross. No one likes using them. The thought of the big trough of foulness just a couple feet below where I am peeing is hardly pleasant, but for goodness sake, stop being such a priss and hold your damn breath. You're not going to die.

What's most hilarious to me are all my girlfriends who are the biggest germophobes have shown zero qualms in the past about sticking their tongues down strangers' throats after one too many jager bombs--Newsflash ladies: You're going to catch way, way more diseases from that guy's tongue than you will from sitting down on the damn toilet seat in the bathroom:

SO QUIT PEEING ON IT.

This is my number one thing. You can tell me I'm disgusting, and who knows, maybe I am. But unless it's a truly questionable bathroom (such as, for example, those aforementioned porto-johns), I just freaking sit down. I don't know about you, but when I sit down to pee, I'm not rubbing my vadge all over the toilet seat. Instead, two small portions of the backs of my thighs nowhere near my orifices touch the seat.

I am also not pissing all over it like a disgusting dog in an effort to merely hover over it, protecting my pristine ass cheeks from exposure to...what exactly?

Studies have shown that there are about a thousand other surfaces in most public restrooms that are more vile and germ-covered than the toilet seat. Like the door handle, and the soap dispensers (irony!) and, oh yeah, the floor.

I just wish people would relax about germs. It seems so silly to me. We come into contact with a lot of disgusting shit every day if you think about it. Money, door handles, pets, keyboards (oh yes, your keyboard at work is probably full of more bacteria than the toilet seat), etc....

So chill out! Do what I do! Keep clean, wash your hands, use the Purell if that tickles your fancy, and just relax. For all you know you're going to get a piano dropped on your head tomorrow anyway, and I'll bet then you'll wish you'd drank an extra beer at that Journey concert.

All I know is that I have a couple big time germophobe friends and I get sick about 10 times less than they do. Probably because I allow myself to come into contact with more germs, and I build an immunity. We could all learn a thing or two from Westley, don't you know. You'll never build up a good immunity to iocaine powder if you avoid it altogether, you know what I mean?