Sorry! Oh, Except I'm Not

Walking to the gym this evening, as I approached the door I could see someone else coming around the corner towards the door...out of the corner of my eye.

They seemed a good distance away so I just kept right on a-walkin', letting the door slam shut behind me.

Moments later the door opened behind me and some dude shouted, "Hey thanks, I appreciate it."

I turned to discover it was a dude balancing a big tray of coffees, who'd (gasp!) had to open the fricking door on his own.

I told him I was sorry, in a way that clearly telegraphed exactly how un-sorry I was.

Like...I'm sorry (heh), but I never got the whole "stand there like a tool holding the door open for the person behind you when that person is several steps away from you" thing.

Someone walking right behind me? Sure. I'll hold the door open. It's only polite.

But someone walking far enough behind me that I have to stand there awkwardly holding the stupid door for like five full seconds? Sorry, Holmes, you're on your own. Maybe it's rude, but I attribute it to the fact that whenever someone does that to me I feel the need to scurry so they don't have to stand there all day waiting for my strolling ass.

And I tend to wear heels a bit on the tippity-top side of things...I prefer to stroll.

Now, in this particular case...well all right, I'm the asshole. But I barely saw the guy out of the corner of my eyes, I was in a hurry, and I didn't see he was carrying something precarious. I swear!

That didnt' mean he had to make a snide little remark. Give me a break, pal.

In fact, pretty much all the "forced politeness" rules of society drive me bonkers.

You know what else I hate to do? Hold the elevator.

This one killed me when I worked in D.C. I worked in a busy downtown office. There were six elevators. I think I waited for one to get upstairs like...maybe once. And I worked there three years. And I prefer to ride the elevator alone. Sue me.

Sometimes I'd be in an already crowded elevator, and people would just keep holding it and holding it, and holding it, and HOLDING it for every late motherfucker scooting their slow asses across the damn lobby.

I never did, but I always wanted to just say, "Goddamnit there are FIVE OTHER ELEVATORS."

I used to think it was just city living that made me so high strung. Now I think I'm just a bitch.