Things 'n' Beyond

I swear to god, stores like Linens 'n' Things and Bed, Bath and Beyond probably spend a portion of their profits on the special, secret-ingredient "Idiot Gas" that they pump into the air at each location.

This the only explanation for why I could enter a Linens n Things looking to buy a table lamp with a gift card I got for Christmas and end up leaving the store TWO HOURS later having spent my gift card AND a hundred dollars of my own money on useless shit I so don't need. Like a 14 dollar pillar candle to go with the 19 dollar Asian-looking lantern thing for my coffee table (the good news is that it now smells like "ginger citrus tea" or something in my living room), and the matching wall sconces (right now you're probably asking what a "sconce" is, I really couldn't tell you, I just know the Idiot Gas convinced me I needed them), which of course need their own 12 dollar pillar candles (actually good point, make that "ginger citrus tea" and "maple vanilla," which I selected becuase they were the right color, but also becuase it made me think of pancakes, and ever since I re-committed to the whole diet thing this new year I've been fucking starving).

And the lamp? Naturally I can't just buy a lamp, no, the Idiot Gas won't allow that. I have to buy the best lamp there, and then, whoops! It's got no shade. So I gotta buy the pretty red shade, even though it's an inch too short to fit the lamp and sits crooked on the harp and will probably collect dust like a motherfucker just like every other DAMN thing in this place nevermind when I get the kittens I'm thinking about adopting this weekend to make my life as a cat-having dust-frenzied bingo-playing SPINSTER that much more complete. But it's RED, and it matches my furniture! Every other DAMN person is always complaining that my other living room lamp with the beige shade and the purple trim "doesn't match the furniture." So there. HAPPY NOW?

I swear to you people I came really close to purchasing a 20 dollar banana hanger that came with an attached banana slicer. Becuase, you know, the effort of slicing a banana over one's Corn Flakes is really too much for some people. And the bananas can NOT sit in the fruit bowl on my kitchen table with the fucking MANGOS, okay? They are SENSITIVE. They could BRUISE! Nevermind that a bruised banana that sat in the DAMN fruit bowl with the mangos tastes every bit the same as a Fancy (fucking) Pants banana that hangs from the 20 (fucking) dollar banana hanger.

But it was at this point that I figured out the ploy with the Idiot Gas. I was about to throw the banana hanger into my cart with the 8 dollar "plastic bag holder" that mounts inside my cabinets for simple storage of my grocery store bags that I cart my lunches to work in. You know, because my previous system of balling them up and keeping them in another bag was just reeeeeally not cutting the mustard.

The worst part is that L&T had a shite selection of picture frames, and I need some, so...I'm going to have to do the Bed Bath & Beyond this weekend.

That's where they get you. With the Things and the Beyond.

Everyone needs Linens, technically. I mean, it would be gross to just sleep on a bare mattress. And you'd get cold! And you'd never get any becuase all your potential lays would be all "Um, why don't you have sheets? And what is that stain over there?" (Not exactly easy to throw a damned queen-sized pillow top in the washer, knowwhatI'msayin'?).

And Bed and Bath follow the same concept. You can't like, just not have a shower curtain. That would be weird. (Although you could make the argument that a $2.99 liner would do the job just as well as my $24.99 "hotel quality" fabric liner....if you were like, a fucking caveman or something.)

It's the "Things" and the "Beyond" that fuck you. Bed, check! Bath? Sure! Beyond? What's that?

That's where banana hammocks are from! Just ask one. Where you from, banana hammock??

Oh, you know. "Beyond."

Now, if you'll excuse me, Goran Visnijc and John Stamos are creating what can only be described as a vortex of hotness on my TV screen.