That's Becuase You're a F***ing Broad, Sweetheart

First off, have you all seen last week's TV Guide cover? It has been sitting on my coffee table for a week, but I'm just now noticing how retarded Ryan Seacrest looks. I'm sort of wondering who he pissed off at TV Guide that they would post a cover featuring a photo where he more thoroughly resembles Corky from "Life Goes On" than anyone I would ever let do me. I'd rather do Paula if we're basing it strictly on this cover photo. Plus, his teeth look like Chiclets. It's truly fascinating.

(Remember that "Punky Brewster" episode where she wants to join the club that calls themselves The Chiclets, except when she gets in they dump out this huge pile of like, Mike&Ikes and say they are drugs and tell her she has to do them in order to be cool? What a classic episode. That might have been the one Nancy Reagan was on. Man, I am old.)

(That special Punky episode is eclipsed only by the Johnny Dakota episode of "Saved by the Bell" with the "there's no hope with dope" PSA at the end. Remember when TV tried to be responsible? If "Saved" was still on they'd have Kelly blowing Mr. Belding after cheerleading practice and snorting lines off Screech's ass and then doing a threesome with Lisa and Jessie. Honestly.)

Last night I was waiting for a drink at the bar when the guy standing next to me had a gross overreaction to a lime in his Jack & Coke. I sort of snickered at him, and pointed out that lime in Jack and Coke is actually not all that bad (although it is better in a Captain and Coke, I will admit). He glared at me, sneered, and then spat out, "That's becuase you're a fucking broad, sweetheart. Have a nice night."

Let's just say I was pretty sure he didn't really want me to have a nice night.

You know something, I've been back in New Hampshire for 3 months now, and I haven't had a single conversation with a guy at a bar, let alone been on a date or even just drunkenly made out.

Highly, highly disturbing. I've not had a drought like this in a relatively long time, actually. Hell, I used to even weigh about 50 pounds more than I do now and I still got a lot more ass.

Have I gone hideous in my old age? That guy, who--for the record--I was not even attempting to pick up--I couldn't even tell you what he looked like--basically telling me to fuck off was the most exciting thing to happen in ages.

Highly disturbing.