Bzzzz...

Okay, so, to recover from yesterday's ill-conceived rant about how hard it is to be a fattie in a world made for skinnies (or, at least, skinnies and in-betweenies) (Heh, "weenies"), I shall now discuss a completely different and slightly salacious topic: how everything is a vibrator these days.

I noticed a post on Jezebel (my favoritest site ever except maybe for TWoP, oh and Go Fug Yourself, oh and Cute with Chris...nevermind, but it's awesome) a few weeks back discussing this and thought to myself "I've been saying that for a year now!"

But seriously, I currently own three regular household items that vibrate, and are not vibrators. Although come to think of it, my actual vibrator isn't supposed to be one either. (The Hitachi Magic Wand--they pretty much only sell it in sex shops and online adult toy sites, but it comes in this crazy 70's style box labeling it as a muscle massager and showing placid women holding it up to their necks and shoulders).

1) My toothbrush. I think it's an Oral B (hehe) but I can't really remember. All I know is that I'm pretty sure it vibrates more in my hand than it does on my gums, and I really don't think my teeth get any cleaner.

2) My razor. Now this one is just ridic. We KNOW that this is just an excuse for Gillette to laugh all the way to the bank while we pony up 20 bucks for a freaking razor, right? You want to know the best shave I ever got? It was with a fucking pink Daisy disposable with a moisture strip. I was on vaca and forgot my razor, so bought disposables in the hotel, and that damned moisture strip did such a good job that I hardly even needed separate moisturizer after. Seriously. And yet? I own this ridiculous vibrating razor that dries out my legs like they were Bea Arthur's vadge. I really don't get myself sometimes.

3) My face wash. A couple weeks ago I was peeing in Tilton's Tanger Outlets and saw this big poster indicating I could receive a free Dove tote (which is actually wicked cute) and tons of free Dove samples if I spent $150 or more. Well wouldn't you know it? I'd just dropped that same amount on my new Coach bag! In the tote was this. A full-on, straight-up vibrator. You attach facewash pads to it. It's the craziest sensation ever, and vibrates so strongly it felt like it was knocking my teeth loose. There are DEFINITELY women getting off with this thing in the shower or something.

Since things that vibrate seems to be all the craze right now, I think they should just go ahead and make everything a vibrator. Why not?

Feeling a little hot and heavy in the kitchen while watching that angry chef guy, or the naked one or something? No problem, just whip out your vibrating ice cream scoop (also good for a post-coital snack).

Bored at work? Vibrating computer mouse, at your service.

Sick of your workout at the gym? Well you know something dirty can be made out of those wacky machines that make you feel like you're at the gyno.

I'm telling you, it's a vibrating world out there.

In other news, I got a new license today. My old license was basically like the Cosmo Girl meets Glamour Shots image of Fu, probably helped by the fact that I was like a kagillion pounds lighter when it was taken.

My new one is basically the double-chinned Down's Syndrome version of Fu. I'm really glad of two things:

1) The only people who will ever see it are the Middle Eastern guys down at the Cumby where I buy beer (and I'm pretty sure they want to marry me so maybe it will help in that situation), bouncers, cops, and TSA officials.

2) That I got a matching wallet for my new purse, and it does not have a license window. Huzzah!

So sad they confiscated my old one though. There will never be another photo taken of me in which I look better, even if I did get back down to that fighting 2004 weight. Sigh.