The First Annual Feast of Bitterness

I have two Valentine's Day dates tonight. Too bad they're a couple of chicks instead of Tom Brady, but I guess he seems to think that Gisele is better looking than me or something. Whatever.

It will be a grand time though. We have champagne, we have candy, we have all my "Sex and the City" dvds, and--most importantly--we have the baked ziti.

Let the First Annual Feast of Bitterness begin! Think of it as a Valentine's Day Festivus. After the feast, before the dvds, we will pass around the Unofficial Man-Beating Baton (okay, probably just the remote) and speak of all the bastards that have done us wrong in the previous year.

Then we will view "Sex and the City" and discuss how we do not understand why Carrie always had a boyfriend when she dressed like a homeless person and was constantly squealing like a rutting hog, and how in the early seasons it is inexplicable that Miranda was laid as much as she was when she appeared to be raiding the closet of one Paula Pound(somekids)stone to assemble her wardrobe.

This year will also feature a special prayer for another blizzard next Valentine's Day, since it tickled us pink that chicks were denied getting their "I've got a boyfriend and youuuu dooooon't" bouquets at offices across the land.

(And trust me, I'm a big-time veteran of the "I've got a boyfriend and youuuu doooon't" bouquet. There isn't a girl in America that doesn't take pleasure than getting called to the front desk to retrieve their bouquet and have everyone commenting, "Oh those are lovely" every time they come round your desk. And there isn't a boyfriendless girl in America that doesn't want to punch these bitches. It's like the feeling you get when you're walking through first class on your way to coach. Just admit it, and we can all move on.)

Bitching about men and trashing other women over with, we will be cleansed and able to welcome February 15th with open arms. Aaaah.

I'd like to say I'll be live-blogging from Mardi Gras this weekend....but, well...I am lazy. I do promise to post photos though!

I wish I'd have had time to make my own YouTube video of this song, but this little kid will have to do: