Well, it seems my day spa has joined in on the holiday fun. They are of course, much fancier about it. The picture sucks and the word balls is obscured by holiday bric-a-brac, but you'll note that not only are their balls ripe for kissing, they are Victorian balls, oooh! And You also can't see it, but the blurb beneath it reads, "Yes they are magnificent, and yes, they are for sale. These are a great gift for you or for a friend."
"For me?"
"Yes, I hope you like it!"
"Oh my goodness, Balls!! Just what I always wanted!"
So please, anyone with intelligence to offer on what in holy hell kissing balls are, please leave a comment.
My dad and I watched the new show "My Boys" tonight. I liked it, but found the constant droning sports-metaphor voiceover VERY irritating after about 2 minutes. The show works just fine without the damn voiceover. We GET it, she likes sports.
Watching the show led to an enlightening conversation about modern dating, with my DAD of all people, who hasn't dated in 40 years and thinks all people you meet online surely must be murderers.
"As opposed to drooling idiot drunks you meet in bars that are just going to slip a roofie in your drink and drag you out to the parking lot? Is it more acceptable to be murdered by a guy you meet in a bar, or online?"
"Shut up."
This led to me going off on an hysterical rant about how much I can't stand dating, because you're supposed to do that thing where you don't let the guy know how much you like them, and how ridiculous I think it is and how it means I will end up alone becuase I am never ever capable of this performance. If I like someone, it sort of shines through. And if I try to act like I don't, well, it shines through anyway. I think every guy I have ever crushed on has been painfully aware of it. (Painful for me, anyway.)
Dating advice from Pops:
"What you need to understand is, men are primal. We are hunters. Would it be any fun for me to go hunting if the deer just popped out of the woods and said, 'Hey here I am, go ahead and shoot me!'? No, no it wouldn't. Men like to go off into the woods, and maaaaaybe catch a glimpse of the deer, and then the deer runs away, and then they have to follow it, and then they see it again, and they take a shot at it! But they miss, so they have to follow it some more. That's why hunting is fun."
"Dad, you went hunting every year for like 20 years, and all you ever did was sit around in a log cabin and get hammered with all the other idiot males in this family. THAT's why hunting is fun. You never even GOT a deer."
"It's a metaphor!"
"Well it's STUPID. I think if the whole purpose of hunting is to get a deer, then you should be tickled pink if a deer said 'Hey go ahead and shoot me!'"
"The whole point of hunting is NOT to kill the deer. Once you kill the deer, your fun is OVER, get it?"
"Shut up."
Generally, my father and I only have conversations that end in the phrase "Shut up."
But we say it with a great deal of love.
Note to self: Do not discuss dating with 55 year old father ever again.
Note to readers: If even one of you leaves a comment on this post entitled "your dad is totally accurate, dude" I will literally kill myself. Do you want that on your conscience?
There will be no comments, unless they relate to balls.
Thanks,
The management
3 comments:
Would it be accurate to say, I think, according to my South Carolina-born and bred brother-in-law, that he might be right about hunting, but wrong about dating. I think its dumb to pretend not to like someone, if I am into someone they totally know it. I try not to be overbearing about it but I do let them know somehow I am interested. Why pretend? And why wait for some doucheass who apparently wants you to pretend? That is retarded, people should be like, "Yeah we like one another lets continue on and do away with retarded hunting metaphors." Two things: Your Dad's story reminds me of a Simpsons quote, from Bart, "I dunno about hunting, a bunch of guys sitting around in the woods. It sounds pretty gay." 2) Speaking of balls, "My Guys" sucks them. That girl is a terrible actress.
hasta
Kevin
I kind of liked her, although she has that whole "Female with a deep voice" thing going on like Donna from "That 70s Show," it is distracting.
If I hear that dating/hunting metaphor one more time I think I'm gonna have to deck someone. It's so damn annoying. I think I'm going to turn into one of those pearl-clutching rules girls and see what it does for my social life. I have a feeling a lot of dates would be like, "What is her problem??"
Can't wait to see you next week.
- Diana
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